Testimony

Today was the first time I gave my testimony in a fast & testimony meeting in years. My rough calculation of the last time I bore my testimony independent of a talk, or lesson, or a special assignment from the bishop is a looooong time ago- maybe elementary school. I usually tack one onto the end of my annual talk and convince myself that my duty is done for the year (can you imagine how awkward the first Sunday of every month would be if everyone in Church had that attitude?) It's not that I haven't had promptings to do it or had thoughts worth sharing, in fact I usually have a testimony soliloquy in my head every fast & testimony meeting (sometimes I catch Matt giving me a sideway glance that tells me I'm probably making odd faces in the process). Ultimately I've felt too scared- too wrapped up in self-conscious worries about how others might perceive me and too inadequate at intelligently articulating my thoughts how loud without working them out on paper first.


Today the prompting came during the passing of the sacrament. I thought "But what am I going to say?" Sure enough as the meeting progressed the thought came- you've been thinking about gratitude the last couple months- the importance of recognizing blessings and thanking the Lord for them- like President Monson talked about at General Conference. The thought was followed by six successive experiences that have taught me to have a more grateful attitude. I sketched them out on a scrap of paper under my thesis and followed it up with a summary of what I have learned. I had something to say. 


There were a couple brief pauses but I stayed immobile in my seat still weighing the choice. Then the most compelling thought came to my head "Could I trust enough in the Lord to help me?" There was a man who had been quietly dealing with skin cancer for the last six months who made this knowledge public along with his testimony of relying on the Lord. There was a Korean boy in Matt's senior primary who has barely spoken a word of English since he was uprooted to Canada. There was my friend Chelsea and her husband who always step up to the silent gaps and fill them with a simple and powerful testimony of the things they know are true. They trusted enough in the Lord. I could feel my excuses being stripped from me as one by one people stood to bear their testimony. I whispered to Matt that I thought I was going to bear my testimony too.


I waited until the last minute. The branch president was about to stand up and conclude the meeting but he seemed to pause a moment. I wasn't conscious of moving until I looked down and saw my foot ascend the first step to the stand. I felt calm as stepped up to the pulpit and looked into the faces opposite. And then the Lord did support me. All I had had do to was stand and walk to the front. Don't get me wrong- I didn't give a smooth delivery- my voice sounded strangled as I tried to repress my emotions. But I could feel a sense of confidence that I will get better as I practice bearing my testimony more often. And I could feel my testimony grow. I felt especially glad I had had the courage to thank my Heavenly Father for my many blessings as we sung "Count Your Many Blessings" at the close of the meeting. 


I am striving to improve at recognizing and giving thanks for blessings. I remember I was talking to my Mom on the phone once while I was in university when she said in a matter of fact way that the Lord had really blessed me for going to seminary by helping me learn my high school material quickly. I knew that what she had said was true and I immediately realized I had not recognized or given thanks for that blessing. I've also since realized how important waking up at 5:15 and studying the scriptures everyday for four years was in teaching me consistency. And how empowering it is to start my day with the power that comes from those righteous patterns of scripture study and prayer. I am sure doing those things daily protected me from evil influences and temptation more than I can ever know and they still give that power now.


I recently wrote my parents a (long over-due!) thank-you note for their courageous parenting decisions. They set clear standards for our home that have protected me spiritually and kept me morally clean. Especially their no sleepover and no dating before 16 policies. I fought those relentlessly and they stood firm relentlessly. I can remember saying "But you can't stop me from dating, I have free agency". My mom said "Of course you have your free agency, you have the choice to choose to date before you are 16 but we will not support that decision." I didn't like those words at the time, but I respected them. Sneaky dating didn't hold much appeal and by the time I had acquired some sense at 16 I realized I didn't even want to date any of the boys I knew. 


My life is full of those sorts of experiences where I can look back and see the blessings in retrospect that were invisible to me at the time of a trial or disappointment. Coming to Lloydminster was another. When Matt and I visited Lloydminster as a prospective place to live and work I almost immediately crossed it off my list. But I felt that the Lord wanted us to be here. I have already experienced a lot of blessings for that decision. I was hired for a teaching job that was full of challenges I overcame to develop confidence in my abilities, I've made friends who have strengthened me greatly through their words and examples, I've felt like a needed, integral part of the branch, and I have had experiences that have helped come closer to realizing my potential as a special daughter of God. All reminders that Heavenly Father has custom designed this proving ground of mortal life, right down to the obstacles, to give me the experiences I need to in order to become the person he knows I can become. 


I know that "if the billowing surge conspire[s] against [me]; if fierce winds become [my] enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell gape open the mouth wide after [me], [I] know, that all these things shall give [me] experience, and shall be for [my] good" (D&C 122:7). I have felt the winds of life test me but they haven't heightened to billowing surges yet. I feel the Lord is giving me the experiences I need now to develop a deep-rooted testimony, firmly embedded in the rock, that is Christ our Savior, to prepare me so that I will remain unshaken in my faith when they do. I am grateful for this. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.