The Hugest Lecture

The other day my husband gave me the hugest lecture. Matt isn't often inclined to give lectures so one Matt lecture is the equivalent of twenty lectures from nearly any other person. He has that rare gift of being able to select only those things that truly cause him the utmost discomfort to lecture on. As a result I usually give his lectures the strictest heed. What offense was causing him so much discomfort he felt compelled to speak out against it? Margarine, low fat margarine to be exact.

Matt: You know I hate this stuff. (True, he vigilantly points out that whenever my family use low-fat margarine it makes their popcorn soggy and therefore inedible).

Me: But we are eater healthier and I thought you'd rather have low-fat margarine so you can eat more of it for the same amount of calories and fat in the regular kind (I admit in retrospect this was faulty reasoning and even hypocritical as I loathe skim milk. It's watery and even tastes unwholesome).

Matt: It's not actually margarine, it's mostly water.

Next time I go to the grocery store I select what I am sure is the margarine he usually uses.

Matt: You bought it again! Now we have two containers of it!

Royall: I did? But the other kind had a heart on it to show it was healthy, I was sure this must be the one I usually buy (I have painfully discovered that loss of sleep severely affects memory).

Matt goes to the grocery store to return the offending margarine but finding it was on sale returns with it along with a new container of the margarine he likes made by a different brand than we usually buy.

The next morning, I spread the offending margarine on my piping hot muffins where it floats on top. Matt lectures on the science of melting points and slyly points out the superior quality of oil to melt quickly into freshly baked muffins.

Now when I go to buy margarine I can never remember which of the two made by PC brand he prefers. I default to the more expensive brand. Harmony restored.